By HELENA TABATCHNIK*
Be kind to the depressed person. Don’t bully them as if they were normal. And most importantly, get informed. You could be doing a lot of harm to someone you love.
Exchange your good intention for a little information
People who don't have depression: I know your intentions are the best, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And the life of your friend, colleague, relative, partner or priest is already hellish enough without you making it even worse.
So, be careful: Google the subject from time to time and, first of all, don't come up with any Brás Cubas plaster. You can be sure that the person who has severe depression has already tried everything, because it would be great if it could be easy. Blackberry tea, acupuncture, lavender tea, vitamin A, B or C supplements, spirituality, meditation, body therapy... And the traditional "But are you going to fill yourself with medicine? Why are you going to put all these chemicals in your body? Try that Brás Cubas plaster first, you'll see that it's much better."
But it isn't. And anyone who says that has invariably never had severe depression.
My life has been devastated by depression for 22 years. Obviously, I've tried everything. So stop trying to come up with magic solutions that will work quickly. There is no quick fix for severe depression. And no matter how much it bothers you to see your brother, etc., suffer, you need to be calm, supportive, and not push the patient towards magic solutions that he or she has already tried. Those who don't get in the way help a lot.
The fracture
Twenty-two years ago, when I had my first depressive episode and before reading much about the subject, I also thought I was lazy and that if I tried harder I would get better. This caused me immense suffering. Some time later, I invented the metaphor of the broken hip to try to communicate what no one understood – and to this day almost no one understands, despite the information being there for anyone who wants it.
So think about the fact that your loved one who is depressed has actually broken his hip badly. It broke in half, seriously. He can't sit, stand, take a shower or do anything without help. Nothing. He's down and in a lot of pain. You went to visit him and I'm sure you didn't say:
– But until then, in bed? Open the curtains, shake off the dust, let's take a walk around the block!
– So-and-so is having a party today, come with me, you’ll have fun!
– Girl, take a bath, relax, apply some creams and you’ll feel better.
– What do you mean you’re not going to work? Work will distract you and do you good!
– My friend, what a dirty house! Have you given up on cleaning it? You need to make an effort.
– Start exercising now, it will do you a lot of good.
– Are you going to therapy?
Etc
I won't explain the whole metaphor because you guys are smart. But, in short, the depressed person is broken and you are the pain in the ass who is making him suffer even more.
Is it better?
Please, for the love of God, don't dump your anxiety on the depressed person. I beg you! They can't cope.
Good morning, are you better?
Good morning, are you feeling better?
Good morning, do you think you'll be able to do that thing today?
Good morning, you need to start therapy.
Good morning, have you started to get better?
Good morning, isn't it taking too long?
Good morning, how are you feeling?
Good morning, call the doctor, you have to increase your medication.
Good morning, I can't stand seeing you like this anymore...
Don't try to encourage a depressed person.
Wow, so-and-so, open that window, change that bed, let's shake off the dust and get back on track!
The tasks that are not being done keep running in a loop in the depressed person's head. Hell certainly has very similar techniques of psychological torture. Want to see what it's like inside?
What I did today: I washed the dishes and paid a bill.
What I didn't do (this is the looping part):
I didn't make food
I didn't wash the sheets
I didn't make an appointment with the dentist
I didn't look for work
I didn't study for the exam
I didn't talk to my publisher
I didn't take a shower
I didn't go and fix the cell phone
I cancelled that visit
I couldn't get to the psychiatrist
I didn't go get vaccinated
I didn't clean the floor
I didn't floss
I didn't clean the cat litter
I didn't go to the bank
I didn't put away the dishes
I didn't put the clothes away
I didn't give the cat medicine
Etc
Etc
Okay? Remember that the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so don't pull your way of dealing with a depressed person out of your hat. Again, this will only increase our suffering. Before you start talking, Google it, follow a page on Instagram, the information is there, you don't even need to read a book. But if you want, you can read "The Noonday Demon", which is a very important book.
I don't quite understand the fact that everyone knows what's good for depression without ever having read a single line about it. Families watch the acute suffering of a depressed person for decades and still don't consider getting informed about the subject. There are things I don't understand either. If it were diabetes, people would get informed before talking about it. I think.
People who do things
I hear my neighbors singing happily in the kitchen. They are a very happy couple. They work in cool jobs, earn enough, walk their dog every day, throw parties, speak English and still run to stay healthy and fit.
I have the impression that I was like this until I was 28 years old. I studied literature at the same time as my dance degree. I went to college in the morning and in the afternoon I took 200 dance classes in 200 different places, which meant walking a lot from one class to the next. I came home tired and happy, it was normal. And I did exceptionally well in both my degrees: literature and dance-theater.
Once in the job market, I worked exhaustingly in private schools all week long. It was much more tiring than dancing, and on the weekends I cleaned, participated in study groups and rehearsed with the band, went to the market and cooked. It was tiring, but it was normal.
For the past 20 years, nothing has been the same. I spent most of my time trying so hard to keep my head above water. And that was it. During these times, which are almost all the time, I don't dance, I don't study, I don't clean the house, and I don't even read – which makes me feel like a huge impostor, since I'm a writer.
It's like being forced to run a house with the main switch broken. There's no power for absolutely anything. It's after lunch, I haven't done much of anything, and my power goes out, boom! Like a big drop in blood pressure. And I sleep. When I can. When I can't, I crawl to get to where I have to go and I'm in pain the whole time. I come home disabled. And every day it's like that.
Drives
The suffering and death drive of a person in deep depression can be unbearable for you. Think carefully before approaching them and don't make things worse by trying to make them feel differently.
An incommunicable pain
I have never lacked words to communicate whatever it is. I am lucky with them, they are always there, they are my friends. That is also why it is very frustrating for me not to find words to express the pain of depression. What I am going to do is list here the metaphors that I invented or learned to try to communicate a pain that can only be expressed figuratively. It is difficult.
The following metaphors and comparisons attempt to describe depression, anxiety and distress.
– It’s like losing your skin and walking in a world made of salt
– It's like being stabbed with many knives, all the time, repeatedly, without pauses.
– It hurts my soul
– Death incarnated in a living body
– The certainty that the world is unviable
– Pain so unbearable that death becomes a considerable alternative, as long as it makes the pain stop
– A pain that devours from within, starting from the stomach
– A power outage and the pain of keeping your body functioning anyway
– The feeling that I'm going to die now
– Total inability to feel pleasure
– Obsessive thoughts of depreciation, guilt and self-demand
– Living in a fall in an endless well
– It is to put one’s eye on the bovine eye of death
– It’s the cancer of the soul
– Being sure that you shouldn’t exist and feeling like a burden to others
– Feeling like a failure at everything
– Seeing the horror of reality all the time, without pauses
– Feeling terrified of the world and never seeing a way out
– As in World Trade Center, the pain of burning to death is so excruciating that it is preferable to skip
– The certainty that dying would be much more peaceful
Remember that a person with depression never exaggerates. On the contrary, since they cannot communicate, they hide their pain. They would not even be able to bear hearing their own screams.
What works on
I talked here about the miracle solutions, like the Brás Cubas plaster, that are offered out there and that I have even tried, because people with very serious chronic depression are desperate people. When someone comes along out of nowhere offering just any old plaster, it irritates me and makes me very sick.
But there are things that have been proven to work, and so what's annoying is that other people don't consider that I've had depression for 22 years and therefore maybe I know the obvious.
Let's get to the obvious:
– Physical activity is very good, you know?
Of course I knew. I actually think that my first depression came at 28 and not at 18 because I was a ballerina. When I became depressed, I had stopped dancing a while ago. But there are other factors. The patient needs to be medicated so that he or she can get out of bed and do some activity. Medication is necessary, first and foremost, so that the sick person can do what is recommended.
– Have you ever thought about going to therapy?
Of course, right? I started therapy when I was 7, play therapy, and it was great. Then I did psychoanalysis when I was 13. I don't remember how many years I stayed, but at least 2. When I had my first episode, at 28, I went to analysis with an amazing analyst and stayed with him for 10 years. And it was a very courageous process of trying to restore myself. In the words of my analyst, the bravest patient he's ever had. Me.
But again, medication is necessary first or the patient cannot go. Or cannot enjoy the meeting (when I am really bad, I simply do not understand or immediately forget what they say to me).
So here we go:
Physical activity is necessary in all aspects of life and can be essential in overcoming a depressive episode. But it is not a cure; athletes also get depressed.
Therapy is necessary in all aspects of life and can be essential in overcoming a depressive episode. But it is not a cure; it is perfectly possible for the patient to become depressed again, like I did.
Medication is necessary before anything else and can help overcome a depressive episode. But it is not a cure. All existing medications work to remit symptoms. There is still no cure for depression. That is why I continue writing.
What does a person with severe depression lose?
The job (we are not healthy enough to work 8 hours a day, we lose our memory, focus, organizational skills and a good dose of our cognitive capacity in general. So, dismissal).
Career. If you spend most of your time swimming to stay afloat or sinking, there is no way to build a solid career throughout your life. Impossible.
Friendships (since friends invite us to go out so often, they gradually give up. I don't blame them, but it makes me sad).
Family (there are people who cannot deal with so much death drive, so they either go into denial and become the aggressor who says “get up and walk”, or they assume that you have serious psychological problems, “you’re crazy, poor thing”, and they move away).
Have I already mentioned that a depressed person loses a good part of their cognitive capacity?
There are also wonderful encounters with friends that we miss.
In the last few months I've lost about five, all important.
Two consultations and one exam, all urgent
A lot of cool events
the ability to read
Self-esteem
Final considerations: does suffering teach?
There's this saying that suffering teaches you. My ass! I've been swimming tirelessly against the current for 22 years – the alternative to that would be to give up and go with the flow that invariably leads to death. Do you know what I learned? That I'm more fragile than I thought. I got a shot of humility and that was it. I didn't even need depression to learn this, I just had to get over 25 or 30, or enter the job market or have a failed marriage, etc. And since I went through all that, I didn't need depression to learn absolutely anything. I've been enduring acute suffering, dying and coming back all the time, always tired of swimming so hard not to succumb. Depression is not good in any way. None.
So, always exhausted from the effort that keeping myself alive requires, I did not develop my teaching career – and I was a good teacher, a very talented one. But soon I no longer had the energy to endure the school environment. The same with my academic career, I was very talented, but soon I no longer had the energy to endure the academic environment.
The only aspect of my life that is not ruined by this disease is my writing. It is a lifeline that allows me to take a breather while I write. That is good. But then it is back to the daily, exhausting exercise of swimming and swimming, without ever moving from the same place.
Be kind to the depressed person. Don't bully them as if they were normal. And most importantly, get informed. You could be doing a lot of harm to someone you love.
*Helena Tabatchnik is a writer. Author, among other books, Everything I thought but didn't say last night (ivy). [https://amzn.to/4griBRa]
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