Perfect

Roger Palmer, Pile of Asphalt, 1972
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By VINÍCIUS SÃO PEDRO*

And that's how the perfect couple followed the mass evacuation of their followers in disbelief (yes, life can be ironically cruel)

“However, there is nothing \ that is more beautiful \ than a beautiful shit.” (Paulo Leminski).

They were the perfect couple. In fact, they were perfect even before they became a couple. It was an easy job for the algorithms to cross paths with two human beings of such rare beauty. Their faces, so symmetrical and balanced, the type that, for the observer, it was necessary to overcome a certain intimidation before being able to properly admire them. The bodies? Well, it's better not to even try to describe them, so as not to awaken recriminable thoughts in noble readers, as that is not the intention of this report.

Suffice it to say that all those types of physical exercise they practiced served more educational purposes, to encourage the practice of sports among the multitude of followers, than exactly to model their naturally privileged physical complexions. On a whim, they simply compensated with tribal tattoos and afro hairstyles for the ethnic traits they were unjustly deprived of by their non-mixed ancestors.

They had mentalities far ahead of their time and were at the forefront of thinking on topics such as faith, behavior and sex. In this last aspect, in fact, they could be considered neoliberal. They had long since freed themselves from the archaic male-female dualism. They tried everything and made a point of sharing each of their experiences with their followers, once again, for educational purposes.

After all, those who have so much to teach a backward society cannot afford the luxury of intimacy. They had decided not to have biological children, for purely ecological reasons. They planned to adopt a couple of refugee children, but the time hadn't come yet (at least that's what the team managing their social media accounts said).

And speaking of ecology, they were also environmentally irrecriminable. Aware of the growing scarcity of water resources, they sought to save water in the most diverse ways. Adhering to practices such as “peeing in the bath”, they saved enough water to compensate for what was spent on manufacturing their iPhones and were thus able to change them annually, with a clear conscience. They left so few carbon footprints that not even the most skilled hunters would be able to track them, even if they fled across the Erg Chebbi dunes.

His countless self-portraits in mountains, waterfalls, forests and beaches could inaugurate a modern phase of the Renaissance, as they captured the perfect integration of human beauty with nature. Without a shadow of a doubt, they would be the ideal couple to star in a remake of the primordial couple of creation (and they wouldn't even miss the bitten apple!).

They insisted on a healthy, balanced and socio-environmentally correct diet. A vertical vegetable garden on the apartment's balcony served them a good variety of condiments and leafy vegetables. They even tried to grow fruit trees in large pots on the terrace, but it is not easy to find gardeners specialized in urban farming (in addition to the inconvenience of all those leaves clogging the jacuzzi filter).

They had their own brand of kombucha, which they used as a kind of flagship in their mission to educate society towards healthier and more sustainable habits. True gastronomic activists, they refused to consume food produced outside the 200 km radius around the food mall where they did their shopping (without radicalism, they made exceptions for certain imported delicacies, regrettably still not appreciated by the average local consumer).

They did not mind spending a considerable part of their time carefully reading food packaging before purchasing it. Therefore, they avoided dyes, sweeteners, thickeners, flavorings, stabilizers, preservatives, acidulants, soft drinks, humectants, anti-humectants, antioxidants and bisphenol A.

All this health care only reinforced a process of positive feedback, making them perfect not only on the outside, but also on the inside. The results of his routine exams bored doctors. They even heard from a plastic surgeon in New York who envied all that health, which only a tropical climate could provide. His intestines, for example, worked with British punctuality and were incredibly synchronized.

A vegan diet associated with the regular intake of pre- and probiotics, in addition to daily meditation to unlock the Manipura Chakra, resulted in the most perfect sausages on the Bristol scale every morning. But, ironically or unfairly, it was precisely this enviable fecal material that was the reason for the upheaval in their lives.

In their water saving practices, they agreed that, when using toilette subsequently (which was not uncommon, given the synchrony of their physiologies), only the second person to use it was the one to flush. A simple gesture, but one that consisted of a true multidisciplinary lesson in sustainability, detachment and complicity, especially when it involved need number 2.

On that fateful morning, they took turns disposing, as usual. That was when he, the second to occupy the throne, noticed something curious before flushing the toilet. He then called his partner to admire that unlikely event together. Resting together at the bottom of the dish, its residues, identical in size, color and shape, had been positioned in such a way and symmetry to form a perfect heart.

Yes, the ultimate symbol of love was there, more perfect and spontaneous than any couple had ever managed to sketch with a knife on a tree trunk. There was no doubt that there was a manifestation of Universal Love, which is expressed everywhere, at all times (even in the less noble stages of the never-ending natural cycle), you just need to have eyes to see.

The uniqueness of that moment had to be shared immediately with his followers. They hesitated for a moment, remembering the rule imposed by their management team. social media, which prohibited spontaneous posts. But that was a special situation in which waiting for the professionals to sift and edit would ruin the naturalness of the moment.

And it seemed like the perfect chance to prove once and for all to the haters that there was a legitimate harmony between the two. Then, armed with their smartphones, they began an intense photo session of the excremental sculpture. Among all the options for angles, lights and filters, it was not easy to choose the image that best reflected the beauty of that scene. They had less work to choose the caption.

All it took was a quick search in a website of phrases and thoughts to discover that a certain Lord Byron had already said everything they needed: “Love is born from little things, lives by them and sometimes dies for them”. In the rush to post, they didn't even realize the premonitory meaning contained in those words...

As they were already accustomed to, seconds after posting the photo, the rain began to rain. likes, denouncing the crowd that was hiding on the other side of the screen, anxiously awaiting news from the couple. Almost as quickly, the first comments began to appear on the screen, complimentary at first. They even laughed jokingly when the first negative manifestation appeared: a poop icon followed by a yellow vomiting face.

But from then on, negative comments became increasingly frequent, accompanied by an unbelievable stampede of followers. This, in turn, led to the flight of sponsors who, almost instantly, published notes on their social networks rejecting “any support for unhealthy romantic manifestations of questionable taste”. Messages inbox followed by requests for the resignation of managers, photographers, makeup artists, personal trainers,advisory designers.

And that's how the perfect couple followed the mass evacuation of their followers in disbelief (yes, life can be ironically cruel). The same crowd that had followed them for years now gave way unfollow, unable to understand the message of love they propagated. The smell of fermented soybeans still permeated the air in the bathroom when everything was over. They had been brutally cancelled.

*Vinícius São Pedro is a biology professor at the Federal University of São Carlos – Lagoa do Sino campus.


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